DEFCON 1 Notes from Daycare

Dear Families,
A child in our Junior Preschool Program has been diagnosed with Hoof and Mouth Disease (HFMD). This disease is highly contagious and the child is receiving treatment and should not return to our center, unless they pay more. Please note this is a NEW notice, not to be confused with the Strep Throat notice from Monday, the Ipetigo notice from Tuesday, the Bird Flu notice from last Thursday, the Gangrene notice from yesterday, the Ebola notice from two weeks ago, or the We Now Only Allow Free-range Hormone-Free Goatmilk At The Center notice from this morning.  Please be vigilant and monitor your child for any sign of coughing, sneezing, snot, weird looks, mooing, bacteria-eating flesh, missing limbs, feathers, blinking, breathing, frowning, standing still, moving, sleeping or crying. If they exhibit any of these symptoms, they are REQUIRED TO STAY HOME FOR 30-95 DAYS.
Should we see any of the symptoms listed above we will be sure to call, text, email and carrier pigeon a notice to you that you must drop everything that very second and you child must be picked up within nine minutes. Any minute over ten minutes is subject to a surcharge of $4 per minute, plus a Tissue Fee of $17.50 per used tissue, Walking Them From Class to Meet You Fee of $3, Holding Them at the Front Desk Like a Hostage fee of $29 and an additional $10 Additional Air Fee as they are mostly likely crying and will consume more air than normal.
Please be sure to bring a Doctors Note upon return to class, along with a moon rock from Neil Armstrong’s personal collection, the whiskers of a Unicorn and a copy of 50 Shades of Gray. We apologize, but The Center is unable to refund you for missed school days, lost work time, unnecessary co-pays, or trauma from rectal thermometers.
We love having your paycheck child here at the Center and wish everyone a speedy recovery!
With Love and Prosperity,
Loving Arms Toddler Center for Child Growth, Development, Excellence, College Prep and Perseverance (LATCCGDECPP)
P.S. Don’t forget to donate to the Administration Only Fund for We Almost Never See Your Child Appreciation Week! With most of the children sent home, we finally have the time to treat our Upper Admin Staff to an arm massage to help relieve the carpel tunnel stress from dialing so many parents to pick up their children.

2 responses to “DEFCON 1 Notes from Daycare

  1. This is hilarious! This reminds me of every daycare story I’ve heard, with a funny twist of course 😉

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