DEFCON 1 Notes from Daycare

Danger
Dear Families,
A child in our Junior Preschool Program has been diagnosed with Hoof and Mouth Disease (HFMD). This disease is highly contagious and the child is receiving treatment and should not return to our center, unless they pay more. Please note this is a NEW notice, not to be confused with the Strep Throat notice from Monday, the Ipetigo notice from Tuesday, the Bird Flu notice from last Thursday, the Gangrene notice from yesterday, the Ebola notice from two weeks ago, or the We Now Only Allow Free-range Hormone-Free Goatmilk At The Center notice from this morning.  Please be vigilant and monitor your child for any sign of coughing, sneezing, snot, weird looks, mooing, bacteria-eating flesh, missing limbs, feathers, blinking, breathing, frowning, standing still, moving, sleeping or crying. If they exhibit any of these symptoms, they are REQUIRED TO STAY HOME FOR 30-95 DAYS.
Should we see any of the symptoms listed above we will be sure to call, text, email and carrier pigeon a notice to you that you must drop everything that very second and you child must be picked up within nine minutes. Any minute over ten minutes is subject to a surcharge of $4 per minute, plus a Tissue Fee of $17.50 per used tissue, Walking Them From Class to Meet You Fee of $3, Holding Them at the Front Desk Like a Hostage fee of $29 and an additional $10 Additional Air Fee as they are mostly likely crying and will consume more air than normal.
Please be sure to bring a Doctors Note upon return to class, along with a moon rock from Neil Armstrong’s personal collection, the whiskers of a Unicorn and a copy of 50 Shades of Gray. We apologize, but The Center is unable to refund you for missed school days, lost work time, unnecessary co-pays, or trauma from rectal thermometers.
We love having your paycheck child here at the Center and wish everyone a speedy recovery!
With Love and Prosperity,
Loving Arms Toddler Center for Child Growth, Development, Excellence, College Prep and Perseverance (LATCCGDECPP)
P.S. Don’t forget to donate to the Administration Only Fund for We Almost Never See Your Child Appreciation Week! With most of the children sent home, we finally have the time to treat our Upper Admin Staff to an arm massage to help relieve the carpel tunnel stress from dialing so many parents to pick up their children.

The Cheesy McDorkertons Take a Family Photo

the obligatory flying baby photo

the obligatory, gawd-awful flying baby photo.  the baby’s “what da eff” face says it all… (Photo credit: Olan Mills; I paid for it so its mine)

 

Every once in a while I get a ill-advised bee up my butt to take a family picture. It usually happens after over stimulating myself with hundreds of gloriously coordinated outfit Pins or an evening of jealously drooling over a Facebook post of some perfectly coiffed family cavorting in a sun dappled meadow. Continue reading

So There’s this Soccer Game On…

Based on the amount of whining, my four year old would THE BEST SOCCER PLAYER EVER

Based on the amount of whining, my four year old would be THE BEST SOCCER PLAYER EVER

Its World Cup Season, everyone! Which means its time for Americans to drop their façade of indifference, which is more likely not a façade and just plain indifference, and whole-heartedly embrace a sport they have little to no understanding of, nor have much interest in. Quick everyone, rush out to Walmart or the corner liquor store and buy a not-so-cheap knock off of an official jersey of some country you have never been to, emblazoned with player’s name you can’t pronounce, in colors that are in no way flattering to your skin tone. Continue reading

Chesty McBigButt and the Art of Evacuating

Burned up black roses and ash-blobs on kittens, bright copper fireballs and charred hills, I'm smitten...

Burned up black roses and ash-blobs on kittens, bright copper fireballs and charred hills, I’m smitten…

So I mentioned the large Birthday Bash that the City of San Marcos held in my honor. It was a fun celebration where some kind citizen started a “party” that burned down hundreds of acres and left the hill by my house looking like Edwards Scissor hands’ wedding site. In fact, each morning when I gaze upon the ashy dirt hill, with its charred, wiry tree stumps, I can envision Helena Bonham-Carter twirling around on top, arms akimbo, in a moribund Tim Burton Sound of Music remake. Continue reading

Birthday Blaze of Glory

Yeah, okay, so somewhere in there May happened. And when I say it happened, I mean IT HAPPENED. The whole point of starting this blog, aside from the obvious case of narcissistic self-love (because I am just that fabulous), is that I am supposed to document the weirdly bizarre happenings in my corner of the ‘hood. So when MAY HAPPENED, in all its blaze of glory (literally), what else should go down but my computer decided it would rather take a dirt nap than be there to support me through my time of need. Bastard piece of Sony crappity crap crap. Continue reading

Parenting 101 Advice & Why I Will Wear a Unitard Someday Soon

First of all, can I just say that I find it hil-AR-ious that you clicked on a Parenting article from yours truly. Laugh laugh laugh snort! Let’s just put it all out there and say I am probably not the yardstick by which motherhood should be measured, but on most days I get the job done. Take today, for example: both of my kids and I made it out of the house, dressed in clean clothes, fed, on time (-ish) with the dog walked, lunch packed and smiling. Well, at least I was smiling. Thing One might have been chanting “give me the pack of gum” in his ‘angry’ voice and Thing Two may have been practicing vocals in Mariah Carey-esque registers. And although I left my lunch on the counter, I am absolutely positive it would have been a delectable treat come lunch time. Continue reading

Cleaning Your Balls and Car Rides

As a devout member of the Church of Access Hollywood & People Who Will Never Be Saints, I religiously read from the scriptures of the Shallow Bibles.  This hallowed living document, comprised of the Books of InTouch, TMZ, Life&Style and the parables of OMG!, provides weekly guidance on what we should all aspire to be. (Be it noted that I am of sound mind and do not follow that False Prophet, Perez Hilton.) So of course this means that I spend an inordinate amount of time ruminating about the lives of former ‘80s child stars and/or Disney protégé . Driving in the car I often times have conversations with them, out loud in case you were wondering, chastising their poor life choices and questioning the direction they are going. Continue reading

Leprechaun O’Lantern

Here in Suburbia-land, the gentle folk just love themselves a good ‘ol holiday decorate. Cheerful summer flags sporting watermelon slices and smiling suns flap gently in the breeze as teenie little American flags march up and down sunbaked walkways. Autumn rolls softly in and these summery delights give way to animatronic Halloween ghoulies that race cackling from tree to tree, whipping between neon LED orange and black lights. And then comes (drumroll please) CHRISTMAS TIME!!! Oh joy! Oh wonder! Oh the Griswald glory and spectacle that these lawns will see! Continue reading

Don’t Call While I Am Cleaning Pee From The Carpet

Transcript from a phone call at 9:15pm last night:

Them:             Hi, is Nicole there?

Me: This is Nicole (please note, I am totally distracted as I am sopping up DOG PEE from the carpet….but that’s a whole ‘nother post)

Them: Hi Nicole, how is everything going today?

Me: (muttering obscenities at the soppy carpet) Just Jim Dandy. I mean, the week started off okay; I was caught up on emails at work, I made a few funny posts of Facebook that people actually liked, my kids were healthy, meals for the next three days were cooked. Then somewhere between Tuesday night gyros, sooo good btw, and my Wednesday morning iced tea run it all went to hell in a hand basket. Continue reading

My Pinky Toe Made Me Go Shopping

Kids come with lots of stuff. You know this. Anyone that has ever had kids, or been to someone’s house that has kids, or navigated a soul-sucking Baby Registry knows this (speaking of registries–really?! You want me to buy you NIPPLE PADS?!? I flat out refuse to buy anything that touches your lady parts. Order that shit off Amazon like normal people and register for some bibs). Continue reading

Side Boob and Family Photos

While sitting peacefully on the couch munching on some stale Kix cereal from my son’s snack bowl, that may or may not have been sitting out since yesterday, I came across this gem of a photo:

Sebastian Faena/Harper's Bazaar

Sebastian Faena/Harper’s Bazaar

What at first glance looked like an extreme Mrs. Robinson-esque pic, turned out to be a mommy and son shot. Yup, those two handsy fellows are coppin’ a feel of their mommy dearest. Continue reading

The Interview Barbara Walters Wishes She Did

This afternoon I took a brief break from my overtaxing morning to pour a drink and interview myself. Why? Because Anderson Cooper was busy and my husband took one look at my pleading face and U-turned right back to the garage. (Pretty sure he is out there clipping his toenails or counting woodchips just to avoid me). And it was either knock out another post or vacuum (bletch!). Hopefully you will find this interview at least as amusing as Cyndi Lauper’s latest awards show outfit. Speaking of outfits… Continue reading

Hello, I am Heidi Fleiss, your new neighbor

This morning while I was downloading some completely legit books with half-naked couples and/or grey ties on the cover, I was momentarily distracted by one of the tiny dictators that runs my house. In this particular instance, it was the three-year-old tearing maniacally through the house proclaiming at the top of his lungs, “I’m a swinger, mom! I’m a swinger!”  (Me: “BATTER, child. You are a BATTER in baseball, not a swinger!”) Continue reading

The Heir and the Spare

I can remember the joy with which I prepared for the arrival of our first born; the alacrity with which I overzealously celebrated each new milestone. The second and third trimesters were spent faithfully documenting my increasing whale-like girth with the “Weekly Belly Pics” (awful, AWFUL, photo series, btw–on week 27 I was the same size Octomom was the day she gave birth). Five months before our due date we spend a whole weekend working on every detail of his nursery, lining the drawers with blue polka dot paper (squee!) and cooing over the tiny folded onsies (oh em gee, so ah-dorbs). Continue reading

Shallowmommyproblems.com Launch Party: A celeb studded event

Aaaaaaah. It’s that lovely time of evening when dinner has been served, the two freshly bathed tiny people have been sentenced tucked into bed, the dirty dishes are happily festering away in sink, and my husband and I are curled up on the couch waiting for that first distressed cry of “I’mthirstycansomeonegetmesomewateriwantmymommywhereismyteddybearmyfeetarehotiwantorangejuice!” (the little one is only seven months and just screams her ever-loving head off). Thanks to my dear friends Ferber and the pediatrician, we are allowed to ignore the incessant caterwauling and continue on sitting at opposite ends of the couch, glued to our electronics, ignoring each other in perfect harmony as only married folks can do. Isn’t this just a little slice of suburban ambrosia?! Continue reading

An Open Letter to the Duchess of Cambridge for the Position of New Nanny

Dearest Duchess Kate,

It has come to my attention that you are in search of a new nanny for His Royal Highness, Prince George. Please take a moment to look over my qualifications and consider this as a formal application for the position of Nanny Extraordinaire/Life Long Companion to your dear, sweet son.

My qualifications: Continue reading

Allow myself to introduce myself

I didn’t have anything better to do between the hours of nine pm (when the hubby falls asleep on the couch) and midnight (what self-respecting, sleep deprived mommy goes to bed any earlier?!), so here I am.  I mean really, what better way to ring in the New Year than with a self-loving online shrine to my rapier sharp wit and biting sarcasm.

For all three readers that will eventually follow this hot little mess, welcome! My name is Nicole and I can’t wait to be your new cyber BFF…or bestie…or whatever Selena Gomez and that other Disney chick call themselves. Continue reading