Every once in a while I get a ill-advised bee up my butt to take a family picture. It usually happens after over stimulating myself with hundreds of gloriously coordinated outfit Pins or an evening of jealously drooling over a Facebook post of some perfectly coiffed family cavorting in a sun dappled meadow. Continue reading
Its World Cup Season, everyone! Which means its time for Americans to drop their façade of indifference, which is more likely not a façade and just plain indifference, and whole-heartedly embrace a sport they have little to no understanding of, nor have much interest in. Quick everyone, rush out to Walmart or the corner liquor store and buy a not-so-cheap knock off of an official jersey of some country you have never been to, emblazoned with player’s name you can’t pronounce, in colors that are in no way flattering to your skin tone. Continue reading
So I mentioned the large Birthday Bash that the City of San Marcos held in my honor. It was a fun celebration where some kind citizen started a “party” that burned down hundreds of acres and left the hill by my house looking like Edwards Scissor hands’ wedding site. In fact, each morning when I gaze upon the ashy dirt hill, with its charred, wiry tree stumps, I can envision Helena Bonham-Carter twirling around on top, arms akimbo, in a moribund Tim Burton Sound of Music remake. Continue reading
Yeah, okay, so somewhere in there May happened. And when I say it happened, I mean IT HAPPENED. The whole point of starting this blog, aside from the obvious case of narcissistic self-love (because I am just that fabulous), is that I am supposed to document the weirdly bizarre happenings in my corner of the ‘hood. So when MAY HAPPENED, in all its blaze of glory (literally), what else should go down but my computer decided it would rather take a dirt nap than be there to support me through my time of need. Bastard piece of Sony crappity crap crap. Continue reading
First of all, can I just say that I find it hil-AR-ious that you clicked on a Parenting article from yours truly. Laugh laugh laugh snort! Let’s just put it all out there and say I am probably not the yardstick by which motherhood should be measured, but on most days I get the job done. Take today, for example: both of my kids and I made it out of the house, dressed in clean clothes, fed, on time (-ish) with the dog walked, lunch packed and smiling. Well, at least I was smiling. Thing One might have been chanting “give me the pack of gum” in his ‘angry’ voice and Thing Two may have been practicing vocals in Mariah Carey-esque registers. And although I left my lunch on the counter, I am absolutely positive it would have been a delectable treat come lunch time. Continue reading
As a devout member of the Church of Access Hollywood & People Who Will Never Be Saints, I religiously read from the scriptures of the Shallow Bibles. This hallowed living document, comprised of the Books of InTouch, TMZ, Life&Style and the parables of OMG!, provides weekly guidance on what we should all aspire to be. (Be it noted that I am of sound mind and do not follow that False Prophet, Perez Hilton.) So of course this means that I spend an inordinate amount of time ruminating about the lives of former ‘80s child stars and/or Disney protégé . Driving in the car I often times have conversations with them, out loud in case you were wondering, chastising their poor life choices and questioning the direction they are going. Continue reading
Here in Suburbia-land, the gentle folk just love themselves a good ‘ol holiday decorate. Cheerful summer flags sporting watermelon slices and smiling suns flap gently in the breeze as teenie little American flags march up and down sunbaked walkways. Autumn rolls softly in and these summery delights give way to animatronic Halloween ghoulies that race cackling from tree to tree, whipping between neon LED orange and black lights. And then comes (drumroll please) CHRISTMAS TIME!!! Oh joy! Oh wonder! Oh the Griswald glory and spectacle that these lawns will see! Continue reading
I am sure you have missed me terribly this week while I was off gallivanting from conference to conference. Time must have slowed down without snarky yet endearing witticisms scrawled across your message boards,
Next time I need to be at a conference an hour away from home by six am, I am:
1. leaving both kids in their pajamas at the front door of day care and pealing out of the parking lot like I’m driving the General Lee. If the three year old has time to run naked out the front door of the house, he has enough time to check him and his sister in for me. Continue reading
This is the story of a Mommy that wanted to take a shower and make herself look pretty for work. (And by “pretty”, we mean no obvious stains, wierd smells, or snail trails of snot down the length of her cardigan). To bad Thing Two woke up early in a clear attempt to block any and all of this mythical “mommy alone time”. Continue reading
Transcript from a phone call at 9:15pm last night:
Them: Hi, is Nicole there?
Me: This is Nicole (please note, I am totally distracted as I am sopping up DOG PEE from the carpet….but that’s a whole ‘nother post)
Them: Hi Nicole, how is everything going today?
Me: (muttering obscenities at the soppy carpet) Just Jim Dandy. I mean, the week started off okay; I was caught up on emails at work, I made a few funny posts of Facebook that people actually liked, my kids were healthy, meals for the next three days were cooked. Then somewhere between Tuesday night gyros, sooo good btw, and my Wednesday morning iced tea run it all went to hell in a hand basket. Continue reading
Kids come with lots of stuff. You know this. Anyone that has ever had kids, or been to someone’s house that has kids, or navigated a soul-sucking Baby Registry knows this (speaking of registries–really?! You want me to buy you NIPPLE PADS?!? I flat out refuse to buy anything that touches your lady parts. Order that shit off Amazon like normal people and register for some bibs). Continue reading
While sitting peacefully on the couch munching on some stale Kix cereal from my son’s snack bowl, that may or may not have been sitting out since yesterday, I came across this gem of a photo:
What at first glance looked like an extreme Mrs. Robinson-esque pic, turned out to be a mommy and son shot. Yup, those two handsy fellows are coppin’ a feel of their mommy dearest. Continue reading
This afternoon I took a brief break from my overtaxing morning to pour a drink and interview myself. Why? Because Anderson Cooper was busy and my husband took one look at my pleading face and U-turned right back to the garage. (Pretty sure he is out there clipping his toenails or counting woodchips just to avoid me). And it was either knock out another post or vacuum (bletch!). Hopefully you will find this interview at least as amusing as Cyndi Lauper’s latest awards show outfit. Speaking of outfits… Continue reading
This morning while I was downloading some completely legit books with half-naked couples and/or grey ties on the cover, I was momentarily distracted by one of the tiny dictators that runs my house. In this particular instance, it was the three-year-old tearing maniacally through the house proclaiming at the top of his lungs, “I’m a swinger, mom! I’m a swinger!” (Me: “BATTER, child. You are a BATTER in baseball, not a swinger!”) Continue reading
I can remember the joy with which I prepared for the arrival of our first born; the alacrity with which I overzealously celebrated each new milestone. The second and third trimesters were spent faithfully documenting my increasing whale-like girth with the “Weekly Belly Pics” (awful, AWFUL, photo series, btw–on week 27 I was the same size Octomom was the day she gave birth). Five months before our due date we spend a whole weekend working on every detail of his nursery, lining the drawers with blue polka dot paper (squee!) and cooing over the tiny folded onsies (oh em gee, so ah-dorbs). Continue reading
Aaaaaaah. It’s that lovely time of evening when dinner has been served, the two freshly bathed tiny people have been sentenced tucked into bed, the dirty dishes are happily festering away in sink, and my husband and I are curled up on the couch waiting for that first distressed cry of “I’mthirstycansomeonegetmesomewateriwantmymommywhereismyteddybearmyfeetarehotiwantorangejuice!” (the little one is only seven months and just screams her ever-loving head off). Thanks to my dear friends Ferber and the pediatrician, we are allowed to ignore the incessant caterwauling and continue on sitting at opposite ends of the couch, glued to our electronics, ignoring each other in perfect harmony as only married folks can do. Isn’t this just a little slice of suburban ambrosia?! Continue reading
Dearest Duchess Kate,
It has come to my attention that you are in search of a new nanny for His Royal Highness, Prince George. Please take a moment to look over my qualifications and consider this as a formal application for the position of Nanny Extraordinaire/Life Long Companion to your dear, sweet son.
My qualifications: Continue reading
I didn’t have anything better to do between the hours of nine pm (when the hubby falls asleep on the couch) and midnight (what self-respecting, sleep deprived mommy goes to bed any earlier?!), so here I am. I mean really, what better way to ring in the New Year than with a self-loving online shrine to my rapier sharp wit and biting sarcasm.
For all three readers that will eventually follow this hot little mess, welcome! My name is Nicole and I can’t wait to be your new cyber BFF…or bestie…or whatever Selena Gomez and that other Disney chick call themselves. Continue reading